TV Review: Big Brother 14x05: U Can't Touch This (Or U'll Be Ejected)

Warning: The following article may contain plot spoilers. Reader discretion advised.


ML- I had such high hopes for Willie coming into this season of Big Brother. He seemed much calmer, cooler and more collected than his brother Russell, but in hindsight, that was only because he was given a position of power within the first 6 hours of his arrival. Once he did not get his way with the eviction, lost the HoH to his biggest enemy, was reduced to a Have-Not and shunned by his entire team, he self-destructed in classic Hantz fashion.

I missed the first 15 minutes of tonight's episode, but assume a lot of it was spent recapping the eviction and HoH and Willie's new position as a marked man. As smart as it was for Britney, Shane and JoJo to dissociate from Willie, I actually felt bad for him. The psychological pressures of the house must be insane, and to go from everyone wanting to talk to you when you're HoH and constantly kissing your ass to everyone hating your guts and avoiding you, you're bound to react with some hostility. By taking it to a place of violence, however, Willie crossed one of the sacred reality show lines.

While everyone was distancing themselves from Willie, new relationships began to emerge. We saw the Slop Date between Ian and Ashley, which he totally orchestrated because he knows CBS reality shows adore showmances. Ian doesn't seem to me like a threat in a social sense, but he is in the way he knows how to fit into what production wants. While he and Ashley did have some chemistry (though I'm not sure if it was organic or inorganic) the whole scenario felt forced to me.

Having watched many hours of live feeds, the package on Shane and Danielle felt forced as well. I try not to spoil in this section of the blog but it seems misleading for BB to present the relationship one way and know it isn't that way. Basically, Danielle is super into Shane, so much that she's basically admitted she came into the house to find a showmance (if things with Ashley don't pan out, Ian will probably be ready and willing to step in!), however, Shane really doesn't seem to have any interest in Danielle and has talked negatively about her on many occasions. He's using her as a pawn, not being charmed by her brown hair and southern accent.

Janie showed some emotion tonight too as Dan brought up how different it is playing when you have a family at home. Janelle has gotten a lot of flack for leaving her newborn baby behind, which is deserved, and her handling of the situation by saying things like "sometimes I have a little bit of a thought about my daughter" certainly doesn't put her in the running for Mother of the Year.

But she's not looking to be Mother of the Year, she's looking to be the Comp Queen, which she managed to get a step closer in accomplishing today by winning the Coaches Competition. The four coaches were dressed like '90s rapper M.C. Hammer and could only move left-right, Hammertime style. I must say, Dan had the best moves of all of the coaches, but since he was continuing his plot to throw every challenge and appear week, he didn't get to put those moves to the test.

Britney lead the challenge for a while, transferring more stacks of cash back and forth across the balance beam than any of her competitors. Unfortunately, one of the rules was if you drop any cash or fall off the balance beam, you're out. Britney knocked off some cash, ruining her plan to win and trade Willie away to get some heat off of her back.

Boogie, too, didn't properly adhere to the rules. He technically beat Janelle but stepped off before hitting his buzzer, disqualifying him. Janie "won" against two disqualified contestants and someone who was throwing the competition, but a win is a win is a win. She chose not to trade anyone and saved Ashley in an attempt to strengthen their bond. She also chose all of Team Britney- Willie, Shane and JoJo- to be have nots, along with volunteer Ian.

Fuming over his state in the game, Willie then lashed out. He head butted Joe and threw pork rinds at Janelle, neither of whom backed down or showed any fear. Production ordered Willie into the DR, and later the Voice of Grod (Alison Grodner, Big Brother EP) announced over the PA that violence would not be tolerated in the house and that Willie was ejected from the game.

This puts a huge dent in Britney's plans, as Frank is still HoH and will get to knock 2 members from her side out instead of just Willie. It also messes up production, I assume, as by the end of week 2 the house will be down 4 people. Will Coaches enter sooner rather than later? It's possible, as the eliminated house guests thus far haven't been sequestered and can't really re-enter the game.

Episode Grade: B+
Episode MVP: Ian (for manipulating production)
Original Airdate: 7/22/2012


LIVE FEED SPOILERS


Frank went ahead and nominated Shane and JoJo, but Shane won the Veto. Danielle is the expected replacement nominee with JoJo the expected target, but things could still change before the eviction on Thursday night. Things have definitely calmed down with Willie out of the house!

TV Review: Big Brother 14x04: Straight Talkin'

Warning: The following article may contain spoilers. Reader discretion advised.


ML- I used to think that Survivor was the greatest game ever created. In it, you must vote out your opponents, and, in order to win, convince the eliminated on the jury to pick you over someone else. Lately, I've been more on the side of Big Brother being the greatest game, because it is designed to allow for constant shifts in power every week. And after the absolutely chaotic week in the house, we saw an absolute reversal of fortune. Game on.

Kara came out of the PoV ceremony claiming she was "all cried out" and ready to secure the 5 votes she needed to stay in the game. Frank, too, battled for his spot, making friends with his betrayer Willie under the assumption Willie had Frank's best interests in mind. Unfortunately for Frank, Willie only has Willie's best interests in mind, all the time. So when Willie subscribed to the plot of sending Janie's team's votes to Frank to re-focus his target on them, and Frank then found out, the Fruit Loops were bound to hit the fan.

BUT FIRST (Seriously, Emmy voters, why keep snubbing Julie Chen for Reality host? She's hilarious!) Britney had an egregious moment of paranoia and shared her suspicions of the coaches entering the game, on the basis of coaches having key holes in the memory wall, with Willie. Willie then called a "No Coaches Allowed" house meeting with the newbies to share this info. Wil at one point declared he was taking a 24-hour break from the game, which Willie later mocked to Frank using an effeminate voice and flamboyant hand motions.

Next, Joe spilled to Frank Willie's plan to pin the votes on Team Janelle, which Frank felt nullified their agreement. He then told Joe about the mocking, which spread like wildfire through the house and made it back to Wil. Britney, now convinced of Janelle and Dan working together, told Willie of his new image in the house. Willie confronted Frank, and the season's first blow-out went down in the backyard.

On one side, Willie "Grown Ass Man" Hantz, who was accused of making homophobic comments by many (not Frank), which I don't actually agree with. I'd mock Willie's voice, I'd mock Wil's voice, and JoJo's, and Danielle's, and Ashley's, because these people are characters chosen for their distinct voices. Wil is, in fact, gay and expressive. Was it nice of Willie to mock him? Absolutely not. But was it blown out of proportion by Frank, Joe and the rest of the house? Absolutely.

That brings us to Frank "Straight Talkin' Mother F*****" Eudy, who made a bold move standing up against bullying in the house which gained him great favor from Wil and Team Janie. Usually, advice is to avoid confrontation to get by, but in this case, Frank made many allies and cemented a leadership status in a new voting block determined to weaken Willie by keeping his greatest enemy around.

At the live vote, Frank expressed loyalty to his new side, while Kara sold someone out by saying they made a final 2 deal with Frank. Who was she referring to? We'll probably find out next week.

In the end, Danielle stood by her teammate and Shane and JoJo stood by Willie to vote out Frank, but Jenn/Ian from Team Boogie and Joe/Wil/Ashley from Team Janie had the numbers and eliminated Kara 5-3.

Last week, I predicted someone from Team Dan would go and chose Danielle instead of Kara. I picked Frank as the winner, and still think he can win the whole thing after surviving this crazy week.

My belief was strengthened at the HoH Competiton, Big Brother Break-In, which asked questions about videos the house guests were shown of a "burglar" breaking into the house and causing detail-oriented trouble. Shane was out first, and then with one question about shaving legs, it was down to Wil and Frank. At that point, it was a foregone conclusion that this new alliance would have the power no matter what. I think Wil threw the challenge so Frank could win, but whatever really happened, it proved that this game is so unpredictable and so entertaining that truly anybody can win.

Julie also announced a new twist to the Coaches' Competition- the winning coach can either save one player from nomination, as was true last week, OR trade one team member for one from another team, HoH excluded. I don't expect any coaches to do this, as there would be no camaraderie between the coach and either their disposed or claimed player.

Who will Frank nominate for eviction? Find out Sunday at 8! Thanks for reading.

Pick to Win: Frank
Next Evicted: Willie


Episode Grade: A
Episode MVP: Frank Eudy
Original Airdate: 7/19/2012

LIVE FEED SPOILERS AHEAD- SERIOUSLY STAY AWAY!!
Those predictions were made Thursday night immediately after the episode finished, before the publication of this article. At this point, one prediction has already come true- kind of. Willie went absolutely nuts, swearing at everyone and slamming doors, and entered the DR for a few hours, during which the feeds were down. By the time the Live Feeds came back on, Willie had been expelled from the game. That's right, folks, Willie Hantz is gone.

Janelle won the Coaches Comp and saved Ashley from nomination. Frank remained HoH and made his nominations- Shane and JoJo, both from Team Brit. Apparently the target is Shane, but if he saves himself, they're going to get Danielle out to eliminate Dan from the house.

TV Review: Big Brother 14x02: Willie or Won't He?

ML- It's ironic that one of the most talked-about people in the Big Brother house this season isn't actually in the house, but rather is the Big Brother of someone playing! HoH Willie Hantz opened up to his alliance about his lineage to Survivor's Russell, a smart move given they look exactly alike and lying about it would paint him in a bad light.

Appearances and accents aside, Willie doesn't remind me anything of Russell. He's not cocky at all, and actually shows some vulnerability. He understands it's a social game, something Russell never gathered. Most of all, he's likable, and doesn't proclaim how wonderful he is or speak in the third person.

ANY QUESTIONS? ANY QUESTIONS? No? No.

Speaking of wonderful, did you know Jenn played in an all-female heavy metal band? Because she hasn't mentioned that at all to anyone or the camera.

We got a lot of Ian being a creeper tonight, something I frankly don't understand. I'm not saying I haven't fantasized about crawling under the couches in the BB house, or spanking myself with spatulas and passing gas in pink underwear, but given the opportunity I wouldn't actually do any of those things. I'd rock a green banana hammock like Wil, obviously. Big Brother is a social game, and Ian seems to have no social awareness whatsoever. I think he and Russell would be a

The coaches took sides, with Boogie offering a chance to "Will it up" to Dan, referring to his infamous partner from seasons past Dr. Will, and not Willie or Wil, the people actually in the house. Can we at least cast some people with different names next year? Either that have a house full of Mikes- myself included. Dan warily agreed to the pact.

Janelle and Britney, however, were onto the boys' plan and quickly formed their own mega-alliance. They actually included their contestants in this plan, something Dan and Boogie didn't seem to do. I give props to Janie and Brit for organizing this so quickly, as it appears to have a strong backbone.

Willie did some strategizing with the house, and his encounter with Frank had a lasting impression on him, at least enough to merit a confessional. He found him threatening, but also trustworthy. Frank felt the same, as he told Boogie he felt his chances of being nominated were 1 out of 10.

Julie introduced a brand new competition to the house- Coach's Comp, which gives the winning coach the power to save one of their house guests from being nominated or backdoored that week. This is a great twist, in my opinion, that really integrates the coaches with the house guests.

The competition was a derby-style horserace that borrowed from a classic Survivor challenge done in Seasons 10, 13, 17 and probably others: Two contestants run in the same direction around a track until one catches the other and "tags" them, or in this scenario, pulls the tail off of their horse. Big Brother may be the most strategic game in the world, but it's competitions sure are the stupidest.

Boogie won his heat against Britney "Strength of a 6-Month Old" Haynes, and Dan threw his race against Janelle to keep the heat off of Danielle and Kara. The BB: All-Stars rivalry came to a head in the final round, which Boogie dominated, giving him the power to grant someone safety.

He chose Ian, who spends all of his time bouncing on a ball in the pool rather than actually talking to people. Is it a smart move? Perhaps, as it grants someone on his team safety, but it puts pressure on Frank and ROCKSTAR Jenn by the HoH. Good for Ian, though. Maybe he can learn not to creep on the girls in the shower and start talking to them at dinner? One can only hope.

Each coach also had to pick 1 Have Not from their team, and Shane, Danielle, Ashley and Ian were chosen to eat slop and sleep on the terribly uncomfortable-looking beds. I don't think the Coaches Comp winner should have had to pick a Have Not, but regardless, it's a good way to put people from different groups in a room together.

Britney, Janelle and Willie had a pow-wow and determined Boogie and Dan's MVPs are Frank and Kara and it might be smart to attack them at the jugular early on. Boogie suggested Willie nominate JOE, WHO HAS STOLEN DAN'S STATUS AS DIARY ROOM SCREAMER AND COOKS TOO MUCH DAMN FOOD.

In the end, Willie stuck by his alliance and put up Kara and Frank. Both of these players look like great players and threats down the road, so it's huge for Willie to have targeted them so soon. Will it bite Willie in the butt if Frank manages to save himself and gets revenge for their broken agreement? Anything can happen in the Big Brother house!

Episode MVP: Willie Hantz
Episode Grade: B
Original Airdate: 7/15/2012


SPOILERS AHEAD: LIVE FEED RECAP!
It's hard to believe but it's Day 9 in the house, and the PoV ceremony has already been concluded! Here's what's been going down:
-Shane won PoV, in a competition that had to do with sliding around (Shane and Frank scuffed themselves up) and collecting exact change and throwing it into something. The players chosen by draw were Wil, Shane and Danielle.
-Shane planned not to use the Veto, as it would put his alliance in a bad position and he wants either Kara or Frank out anyway.
-Ian has weirded everyone out in the house, from quacking like a duck to kicking himself in the face. Many on Britney and Janelle's teams are convinced he's America's Player.
-The Have-Not room has been brutal for those sleeping in it. Ashley and Shane both hurt their backs.
-Britney and Janelle have had private discussions about the possibility of entering the game at some point. It doesn't seem like they know this for sure, but they surely expect it as a possibility.
-Wil, Britney and Janelle are all very close and are planning a "girls alliance" with Ashley and JoJo.
-The gameplay has been harder than ever thanks to the coaches' presence. Dan has been telling Kara and Danielle what to do and who to talk to, as they can't even think for themselves. Britney has surprised me by how good of a coach she has been, constantly playing the game for her people. Boogie seems disappointed with his people, as Ian needs coaching in basic social skills and Jenn is a creep. Janelle has given good advice to Wil and Ashley, but not so much Joe that I've seen. Joe's plan is to stick by Wil.
-Boogie has alienated everyone in the house, and even Frank is telling people he wants no part in listening to Boogie. Boog did have a point today when he called out the messy girls on not cleaning, as now they've got tons of ants.
-Danielle is super into Shane and apparently is here for a showmance. Shane is going to use her but has no feelings for her (or so he says to his alliance).
-Kara has been super paranoid and trying to talk to people, while Frank has been quietly trying to make alliances.
-As of right now, it's still unclear who is going home. Jenn and Ian will vote for Kara and Danielle will vote for Frank, but the rest of the house plans on voting together. They're torn between booting Kara in order to systematically get rid of Danielle next week so that Dan is gone for good from the game, and kicking out Frank, who knows the game very well, is a major threat (he nearly won the PoV) and has been making the same deals to Britney and Janelle. At this point, it could still go either way, but HoH Willie wants Kara out because he feels if she wins HoH she'll only come after him and Shane, whereas Frank would also target Wil. Britney wants Frank out, as he isn't keeping his word.

TV Review: Big Brother 14x01: Cruel Summer

ML- To paraphrase the great Janelle Pierzina, "Hi hi, bitches!" Welcome to America's favorite guilty pleasure life consumer, Big Brother, which began its 14th season with a bang- that bang being the sound of Jodi's face smacking against the animatronic bed over and over again.

The game has already taken an incredibly drastic change with the addition of four legendary (Copyright Barney Stinson, CBS) coaches to guide the noobs through the game, which is a good thing because it seems as though none of them have watched much Big Brother in the past. These coaches will be playing their own game; whoever mentors someone to victory will pocket $100,000 of their own.
The coaches are: Mike "Boogie" Malin, BB2 & BB7, Janelle Pierzina, BB6 & BB7, Dan Gheesling, BB10 and Britney Haynes, BB12.

I'd say the first three choices were spot-on, but the addition of Britney nearly ruins the plan. Despite being a diary room goddess and one of the funniest house guests in history, she (admittedly) played terribly last time and shouldn't have been considered as a mentor over the likes of Jun, Danielle or Dani Donato. Hell, even RACHEL would have been better at mentoring, but Britney proved tonight that she's at least going to give the other coaches a run for their money.

Before we continue (or should I say BUT FIRST) let's go over the 12 newbies and quick first impressions of them from their awful, fake "key finding" packages.

FRANK- Frank is unemployed, something Jodi was 98% sure was a lie. Unfortunately, the margin of error tonight was 1.9%, or something. Ian would probably explain it better. Anyway, Frank is a BB super fan who doesn't fit the stereotypical BB super fan mold, a dangerous combination for the rest of the house. Frank was the first choice to join TEAM BOOGIE.


DANIELLE- My first thought was "Jordan 2.0", which isn't a bad thing at all. She's cute and has that southern drawl that makes everyone seem just an ounce more likable (unless your last name is Hantz). She decided to lie about her job, saying she's a kindergarden teacher rather than admitting to being a nursing student. A risky move, as it'll be easy to slip up while in the house for so long and instantly lose  people's trust. Danielle was a second round pick for TEAM DAN.


SHANE- He flips houses for a living, so I can't wait to hear all the puns of him "flipping" the house around once he gets on the block. I don't expect that to take too long, as his physicality and apparent lack of strategic game will make him a prime target for some early nominations. So of course, he was the first pick for TEAM BRITNEY.

JODI- "Too normal", my reality TV-addled brain warned as she came upon my screen. She doesn't have perfect features or a perfect body. How did she manage to sneak into the house and fool everyone, even the great and powerful Chenbot? Despite that (or perhaps because of it) she came across as down to earth and eager to play, which, in the Big Brother world, gets you picked last of everyone, ending up on TEAM DAN.

IAN- Ian and Cochran from Survivor were probably in the same pile of applications sorted at CBS, as both fit the stereotypical "nerd" slot. Unlike Cochran, Ian may be getting some action soon, as Ashley has showed interest in him, because he "wears glasses." Girl really knows how to pick 'em. His excitement at the sight of Boogie, Dan and Janelle made me smile, as it's exactly how I'd be if put in the house. Except I wear contacts, so I'd have no shot at an Ashley showmance, so I guess he knows what he's doing. He was the second choice for TEAM BOOGIE.

WIL- With 1 L. Guys. 1 L. There's already a Willie, this is Wil. Jeez. The "Southern gay" (who was an American Idol reject that I actually remember) tried making a hair alliance with Frank within seconds of entering the house. He could be a very up-front player, which makes for great TV, but often doesn't lead to the big bucks. Hopefully he will find some great tutelage as first pick under TEAM JANELLE.

JOJO- Or should I say JowwJoww, BB's answer to the Jersey Shore stereotype (because we have all forgotten Enzo, yes? Yes.) She's from Staten Island and there to do New York proud, whatever that means. My expectations for her as a player are low, so I hope she gets drunk and fights with Janelle a lot. She was the final pick for TEAM BRITNEY.

WILLIE HANTZ- Yes, Russell's brother. No, he probably won't win, unless producer Allison Grodner deems it fitting, then which case he absolutely will. He's actually a lot more likable than Russell, but everybody was onto him within minutes (Ian gave it a 99.9% certainty rating- nice going, Ian!) but he's still trying to play dumb. Absolutely foolish, he should own up and say he's nothing like Russell, because literally, I thought it was Russell when he stood outside the door. Actually, since he's taller, it looked like Russell standing on a smaller Hantz' s shoulders. Brush that Hantz off yo' shoulder, Willie, and do TEAM BRITNEY proud!

KARA- The Playboy model has many assets that will help her succeed in this game, but unfortunately, they're out for everyone to see. I'm pointing to her boobies. She's dated rockstars in the past, so all I have to say is: Haaaaave you met Jenn? (Copyright: Barney Stinson, CBS). She's looking for a showmance, which has benefitted BB girls the past few seasons, so perhaps she's got more going on than we've all seen on NSFW sites? Now we know why she was chosen for TEAM DAN.


JOE- The chef, who only made it into the house because another contestant quit, doesn't seem to be someone who can relax and chill with all of the young kids in the house. Cooking is a good skill to have, however, and his age could also be a benefit if they deem him as out of his physical prime. Hopefully he can find strengths from his qualities and be a good player for TEAM JANELLE.

JENN- The tattooed rockstar says she's either loved or despised, which means she'll probably go sooner rather than later in the house. People want to put up people that the majority of people are against, to seem like less of a bad guy. If half the house hates Jenn, it'll be easy to find the numbers to oust her. Can her personality shine through the unique appearance enough to form strong bonds? That's a task for her mentor on TEAM BOOGIE.

ASHLEY- The mobile spray tanner has a personality disconnect that I noticed with Porsche last year- everything she says seems staged or scripted or fake. Maybe it's just her weird baby voice? Is the house really going to be "yummy"? I don't think so. Hopefully her mentor, a friend of Porsche's, can direct her in the right way on TEAM JANELLE.


So there we have it, 12 people on 4 teams- except by the end of the night, Julie warns, one of them would be leaving. Bonkers.

The challenge is different from a regular Big Brother competition: The team that comes in first will let their mentor choose one of them to be HoH, and the team that comes in last will force its mentor to eliminate someone that night. This twist definitely favors Team Britney, which has arguably the two most athletic guys in the house in Willie and Shane, and takes a lot of power out of the contestants hands and into the coach's. This is not the Big Brother we all know and love, this is an exhibition match to see which coach can take down the others. I both hate and love it at the same time.

The challenge involved house guests hopping in pajamas onto spinning and bucking beds to retrieve teddy bears for their slumber party, Frogger-style. (Never thought I'd write that sentence in my life). Each houseguest had to retrieve one bear, then send one person to the other side to hit the buzzer. If, at 20 minutes in, a team had not completed, a coach could substitute another player to run the course.

The competition was pretty even throughout, with the men dominating way easier than the ladies. That didn't bode well for Team Dan, who actually seemed like a good coach (considering he is a coach in real life) but couldn't muster the same inner power that Coach Taylor could manage from his Panthers. Clear eyes, busted lips, sure to lose?

I ranked the teams as they were announced as Boogie > Dan > Janelle > Britney, and wouldn't you know it, my last place team came out on top. Physicality won out and Britney's team was able to take control of the house for week one. It'll be interesting to see who she advises her HoH to target, considering she loves Janelle as much as I do. But I'm getting ahead of myself- the other teams were neck and neck, but Dan's team played like a bunch of girls (a joke, because they all are girls, not a commentary on females in sports- have you SEEN the Williams sisters?) and, unfortunately for the Renegade himself, he placed behind both Janelle and Boogie's teams.

Brit selected Willie as her first HoH, a smart move to secure the rest of the house doesn't get into Shane or JoJo's ears about knocking the Hantz out of the game. He equate this "victory" to winning a national championship. Hear that, Olympians? Ain't nobody got nothin' on Willie Hantz!

As Dan debated his options, I came to my own conclusion- boot Jodi. Yes she's likable in a dorky kind of way, but she just doesn't belong with the rest of the fame whores in the house. And Dan agreed, sending Jodi packing as the first casualty of the summer, and weeding his team down to only Kara and Danielle.

What should Willie do? One strategy would be to pick Kara and Danielle as nominees. That way you don't piss off any other coaches and are one step closer to ridding Dan from the house. Or does he go after bigger threats like Frank and Ian on Team Boogie? I'm ecstatic to see how this twist plays out, and especially to see what "new power" will be introduced into the game. Also, what's the over-under on when the mentors can enter the game as actual house guests? I love the idea of Janelle having no consequences of getting into drunk fights with everyone, but it'd be much sweeter to se her finally walk away with the oversized check.

Well, that's it for me this week! Before I go, I'll begin with this BB blog's tradition: player most likely to win it all and player most likely to go home next.

Most Likely to Leave Next: Danielle
Most Likely to Win It All: Frank


Another note: I will be watching the live feeds and Big Brother: After Dark this year, so this may be the first night where spoilers don't come into play in the reviews. I'll try to limit conversation to only CBS info and maybe use the end for spoiler-y discussion? If you care at all, let me know in the comments! Hope you guys keep reading, it's going to be a long, fun summer!

Episode Grade: B+
Episode MVP: Janelle Pierzina
Original Airdate: 7/12/2012